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(Announcer, speaking in an excited, somewhat hushed tone): We now bring you to Mount Olympus, where Grand Master Debater-In-Chief Otto West is about to give his address!
[Enthusiastic applause.] (Announcer): All eyes and ears are on West as he steps up to the podium. [Awed silence.] "Thank you for joining me today on this auspicious occasion. Today, I will reveal for the first time ever, the secret of my success as Supreme Logician of the Universe." [Audience erupts in applause and cheers, which drown out West for no less than sixty seconds.] "As you all know, there has been no one on planet Earth with the intelligence, tenacity and exceptional gift for Internet mouse-clicking as me. No one researches more than I, no one studies harder than I, no one dares to challenge me on any subject I deem worthy of my intrepid attention." [Reverent silence.] "Furthermore, as the entire world has noted for many decades, no one has ever been able to refute a single proposition or premise of mine. Not one person, not even once, not ever. How did I accomplish such an amazing feat of intellectual prowess? Well, as I am feeling generous of late, I will actually share with you my most cherished secret. A secret that has allowed me to hold sway in every argument, on any subject, with any individual or group who has dared be foolish enough to challenge me." [West scans the crowd, basking in the rapt attention he has generated.] "Here is how any one of you can successfully experience unblemished perfection and victory in every argument you ever construct:" [The entire crowd leans forward in its chairs with breathless anticipation.] "First, you must always interpret any situation or event in the way that you see fit, regardless of other opinions that may exist to the contrary. Second, using said interpretation, you must formulate an impervious proposition by summarily dismissing the possibility that your interpretation could be incorrect. Third, you must click your magical Internet mouse until you've gathered enough corroborative material to overwhelm and impress average dullards who are too lazy to do their own magical mouse clicking. Fourth, you must open a public forum and challenge any and all opposition to dispute your proposition. Fifth, and this is key, if anyone even comes close to poking a hole in your argument, you must delete their input in the public forum with a click of your magical mouse. Sixth, and never forget this, if deleting their input doesn't quell their resistance, then simply deny any legitimate point was ever made by them. Reinforce this accusation by continual verbal repetition of the original challenge; this makes the challenger appear to have misunderstood, and therefore makes his counter-argument seem illogical and irrelevant. Remember the tried-and-true 'rule of seven' used in marketing. Seventh, and last, always maintain an air of uncontested superiority. If people think you are victorious, then you are. That's the power of positive thinking!" [West stops and waits.] [The audience stands in unison and erupts in deafening cheers and applause.] [West walks offstage.] [The curtain draws closed.] [The entire audience returns home to watch reruns of "Deep Thoughts by Al Franken."] |